 |
| The resemblance between myself and Danny Glover is undeniable |
The passing of another year brings a lot of things - nostalgia, excitement for the year to come and sometimes a tinge of regret about unfulfilled goals or missed opportunities.
For older people (treading on thin ice here, you decide what older means), 27 probably still seems really young. However, as I recall, during my teen years 27 seemed positively ancient.
When I was 18 a friend of mine at Uni started dating a 27 year old. When I first met him I thought he was an old pervert but turned out he was a nice fella. Now I've reached that age, my preferences are for closer to 25 than 18 but my view on the "oldness" of 27 has definitely changed.
If this post was inspired by anything, it's a memorable book my ex gave me when I was 23. It's called The Thing about Life is, one day you'll be dead - by David Shields.The book details the life of the author's nearly 90-year-old father's sprightly attitude to life. It intersperses the personal anecdotes with hard facts about ageing (e.g every year after we turn 20, our skin loses an average of one percent elasticity, hence wrinkles) . It makes for slightly depressing reading but, after all, the ravages of time are inescapable (unless scientists figure out how to stop cell degeneration).
 |
| At 18 in 2006 |
Over the years I've been a fan of reading quotes and the occasional self-help book with the aim of trying to absorb wisdom about how to live my life in the best possible way. I like the idea that we can "stand on the shoulders of giants" - taking lessons from people who've passed through life before us. We have the benefit of being able to survey accumulated wisdom of sages both of today and yesteryear. It's particularly easy for my generation, thanks to internet wrenching open the gates of confinement and making accessing nearly any conceivable piece of information accessible to anyone. Hopefully we can build on this knowledge progress as individuals and as a species.
No one really has all the answers or advice about how to live the best life. We are each living an utterly unique experience. What's right for some might not be right for all as the cultural and lived-experience for someone in Saudi Arabia is probably going to be pretty different from someone in New Zealand. I like to thin-slice, experiencing as much as I possibly can and learning little lessons from many different people. I can't claim these lessons are all original but they are things that I've generally found to be true over these twenty seven years.
In no particular order:
1. Memento Mori
"remember that you will die." This is medieval Latin phrase which I wear engraved on a pendent around my neck. I think it encapsulates a lot of wisdom. I lost my Dad when I was 12 and it made me a lot more aware of my own mortality and the finite nature of life. Death is a leveller - it will catch us all. Thinking of it filters out a lot of the shit that occupies your time and helps you focus on the more important stuff like your friend's and loved ones.
2. Life ultimately has no meaning
(other than that which you create for yourself).
I'm an atheist but also someone who has spent nights gazing into the sky and considering my place in the universe. If you don't refer to a divine presence, then us being here on earth doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things.
There will probably be a day when no one knows you ever existed. It's even possible than one day Earth will no longer exist. What will that mean for our species? What was the point in us being here?
 |
| Circa 2015 - Older ? Yes. Wiser? Hmmm |
I feel like I can be sure that I exist right now, so I can create my own sense of purpose. That's something that I can be sure of. I hope that when I'm close to death, I can reflect on my life and know that I've done my best to be kind and helpful to others and leave the world just a tiny bit better than I found it.
I quite like the quote "The meaning of life is to give life meaning."
3. Figuring out what you really want in life can be very hard.
Last year, part of my job was to advise high school students (between 15-18) about what to study at university. They'd look to me as if I had it all figured out but I'd admit to them I was still searching too. Ten years on since I finished high school, I'm still trying to suss what I want to dedicate my life to. I'm getting closer to an answer but I'm not there just yet.
4. Count your blessings
Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself for whatever reason - I try to remember all the good things I have to be grateful for. I've been to a dozen or so developing countries and seen a lot of heart-wrenching stuff. Being aware that I'm a lucky guy from a privileged country pushes me to help improve the plight of people who are less fortunate than myself.
4. In spite of your best intentions, sometimes you'll fuck up.
I'd love to say that I've never shot myself in the foot but the truth is sometimes I've figuratively aimed a bazooka and blown off my leg.
I'm still learning and trying to improve but sometimes I say or do things that I later reflect on and give myself a hearty face palm. For example, I still haven't quite learned that it's a bad idea leaving important belongings in places like bathrooms, friend's houses or on public transport (I recently lost a beloved watch). Or that instantly responding to Facebook comments with sarcasm, sometimes doesn't translate very well and I just come across as a bastard.
Learning to forgive yourself when you do make mistakes is important. Mistakes can teach us valuable lessons but only if we figure out what the problem is and that can take time.
5. Experience brings me more happiness than possessions.
I'm sure someone could be rolling along in the new Bentley and say - "who said money can't bring you happiness?" Last year when I lived in a nice flat, had a car, a motorbike a nice TV and the rest - I wasn't as satisfied as being on the road with a backpack and a journey ahead. I don't need that many things to live a good life. Many people obsess about owning nice things and their possessions end up sort of owning them. If you like to travel, having too much weighs you down (you have to figure out where to store it every time you go away).
Possessions are things that can easily be compared whereas experiences are not-quantifiable. I've had moments when I saw someone with a newer, faster cellphone than I and I no longer liked my phone as much. Experiences are more personal and harder to compare. They stay with you and change who you are. For more on this, check out the fascinating book and Ted Talk by Barry Schwartz: The Paradox of Choice.
6. To really love someone or something can result in great pain.
Many religions teach practices aimed at freeing ourselves from attachments, desires and the whims of our egos. Loving someone and losing them through death or separation can be intensely painful. It can be hard to trust in the same way after you've been really hurt but eventually you have to let someone go and move on.
7. Try not to worry.
Another cliche' and easier said than done. Needless to say but worrying is truly a gigantic waste of time and energy. I've had family members who have put themselves in hospital through unnecessary stress.
I've spent a lot of time ruminating on shit that has happened or being concerned about what could happen in the future. I'm definitely still working on this. If you can practice a bit of mindfulness (like meditation, being aware of your thoughts and feelings and trying to be present in the moment) it can really help you get more out of life. There's a lot of good stuff on YouTube to get you started and even just a few minutes a day can help a lot.
8. Travel
You should travel for lots of reasons..One of the main ones for me is it helped me to appreciate diversity. If you only ever live in one country, you're only going to have one frame of reference for thinking about how the world works together as a whole. The way you and your country generally do things is just one of many ways that are possible. Becoming aware of different cultures, customs and languages has enriched me as a person, giving me perspectives I could not have garnered via books or movies.
The best website I ever joined is Couchsurfing. If you like meeting people from around the world, you'd be hard pressed to find a better site to join. You can read about it here: (this post is from 2011, I think I'll do an updated one soon). I'm extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to travel and explore a bit of the world since I was 19. I used to think that by travelling I'd have a clearer idea of exactly what I wanted to do with my life. In fact, the exact opposite is true. The more I saw, the more I became aware of the possibilities for types of life that were out there. There are so many lessons. Through travel I learned another language (have now started on my third) and met so many fucking amazing people.
9. Stick to your word
If people can't trust your word, can they trust anything about you?
11. Be kind to others
Fairly obvious but those who don't follow this will generally have their comeuppance. It's good to be good.
12. We don't see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.
There is no objective reality. At any moment there is a lot going on around us and we can always choose what to pay attention to. That's why we should try and get a hold of a variety of views on any subject before we make up our mind about it.
13 Accept your flaws
I spent a lot of money on fixing my teeth and they still aren't quite how I'd like them. Most people have something they'd like to improve about themselves (whether it be physically, emotionally etc). Sometimes you need to ask yourself, "Is this really a problem?" At a certain point you've got to let it go and accept yourself.
14 Don't work a job you hate
Selling your time to an employer in exchange for a wage is a reality for most of the planet. If you are fortunate to have autonomy to make the choice, find something you love, or at least like. I've had many jobs since I was 15 and some of them are great, some are okay and some fuckin sucked. Finding yourself in a soul-crushing office everyday is a quick path to all sorts of problems. I will try not to use "I need to earn money" as an excuse for sticking around in a shitty job. If you wake up in the morning and you can't bare the thought of going to work, you should make a change in your life as quickly as possible.
15 Know when to hold em and when to fold em'
This applies in poker and with relationships. Some relationships help us flourish and grow, other people are a drain and ultimately bad for your well-being. Users, non-recpricators, overly needy people, time-wasters - why would you settle for that if you have good people to sink your energy into? As we age, our time gets more precious as we have more commitments. I've gotten better at recognising which relationships to nurture and cherish and which ones to cut loose. There are many studies which show that having healthy relationships helps you live longer, be healthier and happier.
16 Have no expectations - keep an open mind
A few years ago Denmark was classed as the "happiest country in the world." I think Danish people generally have low expectations for what is required for a good life (a comfortable home, creature comforts, family, good food etc). Don't expect Danes to be walking around with fat grins on their faces however, happiness in this sense is best equated with contentment.
Sometimes coming into a scenario with either high or low expectations will colour how you feel about it. If you think something is going to be awesome and then it's just okay, often you will leave disappointing. However, if you approach a situation with no preconceptions and an open mind, often you'll end up having a better time. Likewise, sometimes people will express a point of view that makes me think "what the fuck!" but I try to at least try understand where they're coming from before rushing to judgement. To keep an open mind is to avoid confining oneself to a narrow road of thinking and potentially missing out on amazing things out there.
17 Make your peace with people who hold different views
There are plenty of people in this world that I won't pretend to understand. When I was a teenager and I first became an atheist I would try talk to Christians and have debates with them. I clashed heads with a few people and had really interesting conversations with others. I eventually came to the view that as long as their views aren't harming me, why not just leave it be? I can try and constructively engage people into thinking that adopting a progressive, humanitarian approach to politics is the best way for earth but if they come at me with the view: "poor people just need to work harder" - it's going to be hard to come to some sort of compromise.
18 Experience as much as possible
Another obvious one. If you have a dream to try something and it's attainable, go for it. Express yourself, be creative and find someone to love. As the old quote goes, "Nobody lay on their death bed and said: 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office.'"
19 "If you really want something, you'll find a way. If you don't want it, you'll find an excuse"
An old workmate had this up on her wall in the office and it resonated with me. Now it's been a few years since The Secret came out, we can agree that it was a load of cobblers (I did appreciate it for a time when I first read it). I can sit and think about the new Ferrari I'd like to own but "the law of attraction" does not mean someone is going to drop one off in my driveway. When it comes to going to the gym, I have to defeat the forces of inertia. It's so easy to find reasons not to do something but if you apply all your energy towards a certain direction, amazing things can happen.
20 Don't waste your time on hate
I certainly spent some of my teen years intensely hating certain people. Resenting people for injustices done to you or others, usually hurts you more than it hurts the person you hate. Hate takes energy and consumes a place in your mind. There will probably be people throughout your life you intensely dislike. There will almost nearly certainly be people who don't like you, no matter what. There are people worthy of your contempt, particularly those who cause others great pain, but don't dwell on it.
21. There's a time to study and there's a time to work
I've been a full year out of work after three years of full-time employment. Study is good for lots of things particularly enriching your mind. I admire older people who continue to learn and grow as they age. Although sometimes learning doesn't come as easily for older people as it does for young, if you have an attitude to keep learning, then it should come naturally.
22. Balance in all things
This is probably a bit rich coming from me.
I most certainly have a few vices and I've indulged myself with too many TV series, sugary snacks and parties on many occasions. But I've tried to focus on eating a well-rounded diet and exercising regularly and this is a routine that I intend to keep going throughout my life.
23. Leave the world better than you found it
Many times in my life I've felt deeply aggrieved or been brought to the point of teams at the injustice, inequality, greed, brutality and senseless, heartless behavior that I know is happening around the globe.
I was taught that although we may not always be able to change the world, we can change ourselves and have an influence on our immediate surroundings. There are little things that I've done - like volunteering, giving donations or recycling that can make a little difference to the world - and I think we all have a responsibility to the world to look after this Earth we got.
 |
| Dedicated to just some of my enormous family. This is just on Mum's side. Miss you guys! |
